Monday, October 26, 2015

Forgive and Learn

Things seem so different. A month. A year. A few years.

There's no easy way to say good-bye to someone who was important to you. You go from saying good morning, texting all day long, being the last person to say "good night." Planning all of your weekends around busy schedules. Telling all of your family and friends and before you know it it's over. Nothing.

I still remember the first moments. The fast heart beats, avoidance of eye contact, nervous laughter, and smiles. They seemed so sweet and in my naive heart, so real. While I was with you I started evolving into the best version of myself, but I can safely say that I was not at my best or shining my brightest when I was with you.

I wanted to bring out the best. I wanted to push you to be more of yourself than what the world saw. I knew my passion, but I wanted to help you see yours. I wanted you to love life the way I do when I teach. I wanted to bring out both of our faults to work on them together. I wanted both of us to be the best possible versions of ourselves. I always wanted to bring the best of who I was to the relationship and I hoped you would do the same. That may have been what pushed you away the most.

What seemed like a large amount of time together seems so minute now. We danced together for a few steps and now have moved on. It wasn't always pretty and there were times that we stepped on each other's toes. The hard times are what I am most grateful for, because they have taught me how to be a better and more understanding woman.

I cannot go back. There are nights that I would not want to re-live whether it be crying in my pillow or waiting up for you to get home and text me. The missed Skype dates or the drunk phone calls. The stress, the tears, the heartache, and the worry helped me become stronger. It helped me build my patience, be more comforting to others, and focus on what is really important. Those scars helped me learn that I never want to leave someone feeling the way you made me feel.

I am not writing this to tell you about all of the low points in my life. I am writing this to tell you that I forgive you. The resentment and dislike I had for you no longer has a hold on me. It is because of you that I will ensure that my future husband will never make me feel inadequate. I will look for someone who feels incomplete when I am not around, but does not need me to push him towards his goals and dreams. You are the reason that I have to be with someone who has a fire burning in his heart to do what God has created him to do, because I have seen the adverse affects of not being driven. It is because of you that I will always seek to find the best in what seems like the worst situation, no matter how hard that may be. You are the reason that I am my friends' shoulder to cry on when boys are being mean, because they were mine for such a long time. You are the reason that I got to experience an entirely new side of myself that I wouldn't even know existed if you didn't leave me behind wondering why.

I forgive you, because without the hurt that you caused me I wouldn't have run to find new adventures somewhere else. I would not have delved into my faith that I had been avoiding while we were together. You are the reason I looked at my family with a new realization that they are my constant and I will never love someone who does not love them. I forgive you because you sent me running straight for new places and new experiences with people that needed me. I have you to thank for these things, because they never would have happened if I stayed in one spot wondering how I could make our relationship work.

You have moved on and you seem so happy. I want you to know that I am genuinely happy you have found what you were so desperately looking for while we were together. My hope is that you are never given the scars that you gave me, but if you do I hope they cause you to grow the way I feel I have grown.

I just wanted to tell you thank you. Whether you knew it or not, you helped fill my life with everything I was about to miss out on.

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